On Being “Brave”
It’s not always what it seems.
After receiving the call to go to Egypt, a lot of things happened behind the scenes. I struggled with a LOT of fear. I found myself having consistent, low-grade anxiety for a couple of months afterwards. I don’t think it’s necessary to spell out all of the details of my process, but know this- there were SEVERAL meltdowns. Two bouts of screaming as hard and loud as I could into a pillow while sobbing on the floor asking spirit for help. Full-on KALI energy surging through my body as I screamed into one of those pillows. A couple of almost-panic-attacks. A feeling of “what the fuck am I doing.” “Am I really doing this?” A last-minute bout of self-sabotaging “this doesn’t feel right” as I went to purchase my plane ticket the first time. ANGER at the universe for not giving me CLEAR STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DO THIS. (lmao.) An inability to hold space for any more “unknowns” as my life was already so unpredictable.
In other words, this has not been easy. This has not been seamless. This has not been smooth.
Even with such crystal clear guidance to go here, the steps to get here were HARD and I was terrified. A big part of the terror was this: when I would feel into the energy of what would transpire for me on this trip, it felt ENORMOUS. The energy was SO BIG that it terrified me. The level of shifting that would come from this; I wouldn’t even recognize myself anymore. And holy shit that POWER. My poor little body didn’t know what to do with all of that. Even now, sitting here in Egypt, I can’t say exactly how all of this will unfold. I’ve been here for 13 days now, and I feel I’ve just barely gotten a taste of what’s to come.
I also want to mention what it was like getting here.. I did a series of stories on social media speaking to this but want to write about it for those of you only following me here. Even after all of the work I did at home with mentors, my therapist, my magically amazing energy working friends to shift my fear into trust.. I was still scared shitless when I got here. The culture is SO different. I was told by the host of my first guesthouse in Giza not to trust anyone on the street, to just ignore them. This put me on edge BIG TIME, and I basically shut down. I didn’t even want to leave the guesthouse unless I was being picked up for a tour by someone I knew was trustworthy. It completely limited my experience and made it totally impossible for me to be present. Another piece of the terror is the fact that I don’t have a ticket home. I sold my car before I left, I had already been without an apartment for 10 months, and I bought a one-way ticket on an open-ended adventure. I uprooted and took a leap with only my trust in my intuition as an anchor. My energy body had jumped out of my physical body entirely, so me being in Egypt didn’t feel real. It felt like I was floating around in a dream, but not in a good way.. like I was in a fake world and I couldn’t quite make sense of it. This was my experience the first 9 days or so.
I had *moments* of connection, but once the moment passed I was back in my floaty fake dream world, totally detached. The exception to this during those first 9 days was my trip to the desert. I had fellow tourists around me that provided a common ground for genuine social connection, and the desert was PEACE itself. I felt *so* safe. The energy of the desert pulled me fully back into my body in a way that was effortless, profound, and so desperately needed. Once I left though, I started to pull out of my body again.
What ultimately helped me through this was reaching out to Sandra Hillawi- she lives in Hurghada Egypt and was one of the beautiful humans supporting me through this transition while I was still back in the states. She practices radical self-compassion, EFT, Star Matrix & more.. she is truly a magical woman. I was in such a state that I was having a hard time accessing my own practices by myself, and I wanted someone to hold space for me. We scheduled a session for the evening when I would be in Abu Simbel overnight, and this session is what allowed me to open up to the surreal magic that transpired on my second day at the temple.
Sandra supported me through some tapping while allowing myself to feel all of what I was feeling… the “what the fuck am I doing here”, “I’m terrified”, “I’m all by myself”, “what am I doing what am I doing what am I doing”. She gave me permission to feel all of it, which is permission I hadn’t been giving myself. I was afraid that if I let myself feel all of this while all alone on an entirely different continent, I wouldn’t be able to pull myself back together. Then I would just be a panicking ball of mess alone in Africa, and THEN what??
The irony here of course is that I’m not alone. I have SO many people who would drop anything to support me however they can, and people I’ve met here in Egypt who have gone above and beyond to care for me. BUT this fear of my own emotions taking over is an old pattern of mine that, honestly, I thought I had worked through entirely. Nothing like unravelling another layer of the spiral 😉.
As Sandra gave me permission to feel, I could also feel the deeper wisdom within me who is even stronger than the emotions. She’s the piece that says “yes, you are feeling these things. *and* you are completely safe, within and without. Always.” Through allowing myself to feel my emotions, I was also able to access this feeling of safety that I had been seeking. Holding both of these simultaneously, the emotions eventually ran their course, and what was left was an connection to my safety. The anchor that is always deep within.
The reason I’m sharing all of this is, I think it’s important to be transparent. I think a lot of people may be seeing me in Egypt and thinking “wow, she’s so brave.” In fact, I have had multiple people reach out and say it so I know people are thinking it 😂. But to be honest I have not felt brave for most of this trip.
So I want people to know that even the most divinely guided things can feel terrifying. I say find a way to do it anyway. Ask for help if you need it. The thing pulling me through this entire process has been the unwavering Knowing that this is my next step. When I imagined what I would feel like if I didn’t go, what if I just stayed and figured something else out at home? The answer was: my body felt sad, stuck, and like it was seeking.. if I stayed, I would be left seeking my next step. EGYPT is the next step. So I had to do it.
You’ll know when something is right for you. Your soul will make you feel like you HAVE to do it. And in that moment, I trust that you will be brave too. ✨❤️